▶︎ Forward
This critique is not meant to be overly critical purely the sake of being critical or to dissuade anyone from purchasing the books themselves. Rather, this is a detailed look into the process of translation, the debate on whether direct or more localized translations are better, and to show how vital it is to have an editor and/or someone who knows the source material that you’re translating. Researching the subject rather than solely translating the text you’re given is also extremely important. I’m not doing this to be mean or to point fingers at anyone.
Also, I love critiquing writing. This is what I’ve been doing professionally for the past 15 years. My idea of critiquing something isn’t about finding what’s necessarily wrong as so much as it is about helping to make something better. As a writer, this is invaluable work. It reminds me of one of my creative writing courses where we would critique each other’s work every class– so you could effectively have 15 or so separate critiques made to your writing. It was such an amazing experience. I was extremely nervous and shy to get anyone to look at my writing, but when I received the manuscripts back with everyone’s individualized comments and edits–it was like a whole new light was lit on my story. I saw things that I never would have seen on my own. I saw silly mistakes that, clearly, I missed myself. But at the end of the day, you are still the writer. You have every right to accept or deny any changes (your actual Editor might disagree). This is how I approach my critiques: It’s from a place of love that I say what I do. Please don’t misconstrue it with malicious viciousness.
Even though some sections continue from one page to the next, I will only use a single page indicator. I think it’s enough to help you find these specific lines.
Additionally, there’s a lot that I want to cover here, so it may take me a while to complete. I will occasionally add more to this when I can.
This is an editorial piece. These are my own views and experience as a writer, which you are perfectly free to agree or disagree as you like.
▶︎ Long Story Short
First of all, I was a little miffed when I heard the English title for these books. Some people tried to validate the name choice, but it still made little sense to me and it felt like a needless change overall.
- 長イ話 (nagai hanashi; lit. A Long Story) → Long Story Short (LSS)
- 短イ話 (mijikai hanashi; lit. A Short Story) → Short Story Long (SSL)
From my understanding of the phrase “long story short”, you generally take a very long story and summarize it, thusly making it shorter. For the most part, this makes sense for the first book because it is a summarized novelization of the game. It’s impossible to put everything in the game into the book, so non-essential side stories and such unfortunately had to be cut.
However, the phrase “it’s a long story” also holds significant weight, which could be applied to the novelization, as well. With this phrasing, shorten to just “A Long Story”, it implies that the story is complicated and lengthy, that there are so many details that go into the 14th Machine War conflict. This interpretation would effectively give the opposite meaning to the title “Long Story Short”, which is basically where I feel that it was the wrong choice.
Comparatively, the second book originally entitled “短イ話 (mijikai hanashi)” or “A Short Story” is a collection of novellas that were previously released in the NieR:Automata World Guide and Strategy Guide books; however, it also includes two entirely new sections in this publication: “YoRHa Ver.1.05” and “Emil’s Memories”.
The fact that the material in this book is not a continuous story but rather a collection of shorter, unrelated stories, I feel that the original title made more sense, which by comparison would imply that you’re taking a short-length story and making it longer than the original. I don’t see how that makes any sense in this context, unless you assume that by combining all of the short stories into a single book automatically makes the final product longer. But this just feels like they were trying to beat the pieces into shape to fit into the holes, adjusting the definition for it to make sense.
But again, it all boils down to writer’s preference in the end anyway, so… shrug
Moving on, I made a series of videos critiquing the prologue and first chapter of LSS, which you can find below. There are a total of four videos, totally close to 100 minutes…for one chapter. ^^; Yes, there’s that much to talk about. So, if you don’t have 100 minutes to watch all four videos, I will briefly make bullet points about the things I discuss further down the page…
▶︎ Prologue
PAGE 7
Translation differing from the game: Machines
Japanese: 機械生命体 (lit. Living Machines / Bio-Machines)
English Release of the Game: Machine Lifeforms
LLS: Machines
After performing many experiments with prototypes, the first YoRHa android was created in the year 11937. Roughly a hundred years had passed since the founding of the project.
Project YoRHa was approved in 11932. It certainly has not been 100 years; however, the notion of creating new androids has been in place ever since the alien invasion in 5012, so that is likely what they’re talking about here.
Pearl Harbor Descent Attack: This is an inaccurate translation from the original Japanese, 真珠湾降下作戦. The word 「作戦」sakusen is generally translated as “operation” or “mission”, therefore I tend to call this the “Pearl Harbor Descent Mission”.
Later in the 14th Machine War, much smaller squadrons were dispatched to the surface of the planet to complete some mission objective; however, the very first segment of the mission–the descent from the Bunker in Earth orbit–was when they were the most vulnerable to attack. To combat this vulnerability, “Canceller” mechanisms were installed on each of their flight units to hide their location from enemy machines.
Although the enemies’ server room in the basement of Mount Ka’ala was eradicated, all androids went missing.
This is clearly a false statement. The androids didn’t “go missing”, they were all destroyed, the signals from their Black Boxes lost. The only android who went MIA was the only survivor, No2.
Six androids consisting of the captain Type D No.1, Type B No.2, Type B No.4, Type E No. 7, Type B No. 11, and Type B No. 12 were deployed in a flight unit down to Earth to ambush a Goliath-class Machine reported to live in some factory ruins.
The order of the YoRHa TYPE and MODEL NUMBER are reversed. The original Japanese was ヨルハ2号B型→YoRHa No2 Type B. I think he was confused here because earlier on the same page it talks about ヨルハA型2号→YoRHa Attacker No2 aka A2, so he probably got confused. The thing is, the discontinued Attacker and Gunner model types were referred to differently from the newer standard YoRHa androids. The older models use TYPE+NUMBER whereas the standard models use NUMBER+TYPE. Plus, we don’t call her B2, right?! haha
Lastly, each individual YoRHa unit is in their own flight unit. It should be plural.
PAGE 8
The lone survivor, Type B No. 2 (referred to later as 2B), united with Type S No. 9 (referred to later as 9S), who had been performing exploratory research at the site, to continue the mission.
Again they have the TYPE+NUMBER reversed.
After abandoning their plan to call for help from HQ, a black-box response triggered a self-destruct mechanism, annihilating multiple Goliath-class Machines.
Punctuation and word choice. Obviously, “black-box” should be “Black Box” and “response” is an example of poor translation. This is referring to the signals that are always emitting from the Black Boxes–basically, the unit’s “heartbeat”. Once that is gone, the unit is considered dead. There is a mechanism programmed into each Black Box that when the moment this signal stops, when the android dies, the Black Box will automatically explode.
Due to the aforementioned events, the chassis of 2B and 9S, as well as the support unit pods consisting of three 042 pods and three 153 pods, were lost.
Word choice. I feel that the word “chassis” is related more closely to automobiles rather than humanoid androids. Merely “android frame” would be better here. Additionally, “pod” is used as normal in the Japanese text, so it should be closer to “three support units of Pod042 and Pod153 each.”
The problem of not capitalizing “Pod042” is a recurring issue on later pages as well, but I will only mention it this once here.
▶︎ Chapter 1
PAGE 13
Recently, there had been many violent Machines appearing in the desert area. 2B and 9S had come to the desert military post to exterminate the nuisances.
This area was referred to as simply the Desert Camp in the game.
However, their informant was nowhere to be found. There was no mistake as to the meeting point. Moments before, a soldier they had run into told them, “Our comrade is waiting near the rocky area ahead.” Boulders poked out from the sand, and there were layered cliffs surrounding them. There was no mistaking that this place was “the rocky area,” and this was a dead end, so it couldn’t be “ahead” either.
Repetitive phrases in the same paragraph. This could be rephrased so it doesn’t feel so repetitious.
Additionally, this is an example of the overall voice or past progressive tense that the book uses. Rather than utilizing a more active voice with simple past tense. The aesthetic you get from using past progressive feels like you’re being TOLD all of this information rather than being SHOWN. In all of my writing courses, we were always told to SHOW, DON’T TELL, and I think this book is a good example of that. If they went this route merely because it feels more “android-like”, there are other ways to do that, although the original Japanese text does not carry this feeling at all.
“Heeeeey! Can you hear me?” 9S exclaimed, waving his hand at a silhouette. No response. Was 9S’s voice not reaching them? No, at this distance it must be. They must have seen 9S waving his hand as well.
First of all, I don’t quite understand why they are avoiding pronouns and chose to repeat the character’s name three separate times in the same paragraph. There is no need for this. Just use a pronoun: he. Androids can be assigned a gender pronoun, it’s really okay. ^^;
Now, please don’t confuse this with intentional repetition for the sake of emphasis. In that case, it’s usually an acceptable practice.
They also repeat “waving his hand” twice in the same paragraph, although this is pretty much understood. You don’t necessarily have to tell us what part of his body he’s waving. It’s not like he’s waving his naughty android bits that he may or may not have installed on himself. Maybe the first time it’s okay, but we pretty much understand that when you wave at somebody, you’re using your hand to do it. That’s all they really needed to say, “…waving at the figure.” It’s not like he grabbed 2B’s hand and waved it at the shadowy figure.
If they weren’t replying there must be a reason why.
This needs a comma. “If they weren’t replying, there must be a reason why.”
PAGE 14
Unlike the YoRHa squadron, who were forbidden from experiencing emotions, this could very well be the case with a resistance soldier.
This is a false statement. YoRHa androids are not forbidden from experiencing emotion (singular), but rather they are restricted from expressing said emotion. They still feel a wide range of emotion, but after the relative failure of the Pearl Harbor Descent Mission, which saw how it affected the efficiency of the squadron, it was decided that all future units would attempt to curb their emotions–to increase the probability of mission success. This distinction is vitally important to understand 2B and everything she has to endure.
“If we go this way it will be faster,” said 2B. 2B built up speed and leapt onto a boulder.
Again, you need a comma here: “If we go this way, it will be faster.”
From the lack of gender pronouns earlier, I get how he’s trying to avoid using them, but seriously. Repeating the character’s name in the next sentence is bad enough, but twice, one right after the other? (looks at all the writers out there) Please, don’t do this.
From down below it was hard to tell what the individual’s gender was, but it was a female soldier wearing a long hood.
Gender is different from sex, and making this distinction very clear as it relates to the YoRHa story, as well as Yoko’s other works, is extremely important. I feel like people tend to shy away from using the word “sex”, but in this context, it merely refers to male vs. female. Gender, on the other hand, refers to the outward expression of the person. You could be female but your outward expression such as mannerisms or clothing choice is more masculine. Therefore, it’s kinda silly that they couldn’t tell what gender the figure was but they could tell its sex. You’d think it’d be the other way around.
She introduced herself, saying, “My name is Jackass. Nice to meet you.” She had an unexpectedly friendly voice. It seemed like a bad mood wasn’t the reason for her unresponsiveness. “I’ve heard the details from the leader. You’ve come to wipe out the Machines, right?” 2B nodded her head. “Then we’ve got to open the sealed entrance,” Jackass said this with a hint of amusement. 9S asked suspiciously, “By the way, why are you in such a weird place?”
This is all one paragraph. It includes dialogue and actions from multiple characters, all in the same paragraph. There is no reason why this needs to be all in one paragraph.
Also, I really get the sense that I’m being told this story rather than being allowed to experience it. There’s just so much past progressive, passive voice going on here, that it really bothers me. Plus, using one-word, simple adverbs to describe how someone says something annoys me as well. Please SHOW me how he says this in a suspicious tone. You can be so much more descriptive than with that single word.
When Jackass had said “open,” she had meant blow it open with an explosion.
The phrasing felt strange to me here. I feel like you blow something up with explosives more than with an explosion. *shrug*
PAGE 15
That meant she had accomplished her objective with minimal effort. Of course, she could have just been playing around, which wouldn’t be too hard to believe. “We obtained the intel on the enemy. She’s already given us all the information we need.”
This is where using pronouns too often gets confusing, especially if you don’t declare dialogue. The paragraph before this has 2B speaking, so we can assume that this is a continuation of that. But when you throw in the multiple pronouns at the beginning like this, it begins to get confusing whether it’s meant to refer to 2B or to Jackass. It’s not hard to figure it out, but it probably would have been better to rephrase some of this to make it more clear.
On top of that, the desert area and its surroundings had had their fair share of misfortunes.
This is one of the short-comings of the past progressive tense: You occasionally have these “had had” phrases. Grammatically, it’s technically not incorrect, but for me at least, this is a big no-no. You can keep your precious past progressive tense and simply rephrase this so you don’t have repeating words like this. This “had had” thing is a pet-peeve of mine. It gives me such cringe.
The enemy signals were getting closer. The sensor in the goggles flashed red to show the proximity.
This is a direct translation from the Japanese. The word that is used for their blindfolds is ゴーグル (goggles), but I believe this is typically changed to visor in English. This is also a good example to show how clunky the writing turned out. For example, you could actually combine the two sentences above into one nice, concise sentence that doesn’t have the same choppy feeling:
The sensor in their visors flashed red to indicate enemy signals getting closer.
Also, I was always taught to reduce words as much as possible without negating the meaning. Of course, you can’t always do this, but by cutting out a lot of unnecessary words and phrases, you can help save your sentences from feeling unnatural or clunky.
Their cylindrical bodies creaking, five Machines charged at the trio.
This is a curious mistake that occurs more than once: referring to 2B and 9S as a trio. This likely also includes Jackass into the group. That would work…if Jackass was still with them, which she wasn’t at this point.
Ki1l…
Destr0y…the enemy…
Here’s where they begin using binary code as Machine-speak (o = 0 and i = 1). The Japanese uses strictly katakana to illustrate this. Apparently, they thought “K1ll” looked weird, so they broke their own rule by changing an L into a 1 instead.
PAGE 16
The remaining Machine was routed under concentrated fire from Pods 042 and 153.
Word choice for “routed”. I would have accepted anything else, like beaten, crushed, or destroyed.
Also, I disagree with separating the Pods’ names like this. It’s true that you’re repeating the word “Pod”… but it’s their name. You can’t simply change their name because you think you’re being too repetitious. Example:
The last Machine was crushed under concentrated fire from both Pod042 and Pod153.
In the same paragraph we have something pretty perplexing…
The resistance leader was not exaggerating when she had said the fierce Machines were a lot of trouble.
I must have missed something because I don’t recall them talking with Anemone. I thought they were just at the Desert Camp some distance away from the main Resistance Camp…? Or maybe we’re just to assume that this took place before the actual start of this chapter.
PAGE 17
“They look similar to how humans dressed in the past,” said 9S, who explained that he had seen the items in the Human Era database.
This is something that commonly plagues my writing and even my everyday speech: frequently used words or phrases. The use of “similar” here is repeated over and over again; it might have been better to switch it up with a synonym here and there.
The term used here for Human Era database was 人類文明現代データ which is literally the data on modern human civilization. It might have been better to call it something like that.
“You don’t call five Machines an outbreak.”
This is a line by 2B, but the word “outbreak” felt odd to me. The word used in Japanese was 大重発生 literally meaning “heavy occurrence”. Although, this is probably me just being overly/unnecessarily picky. This is probably fine as it is. lol But I think my main point for highlighting this bit was the thought: “Who called it an outbreak in the first place?” I felt like we were missing that scene.
They were all aggressive like before, but after the first battle, things moved along more smoothly. Even if they were stronger than usual, after a few fights, it became easier to face them. The trio had gotten used to them.
The two commas were missing above, and yet another instance of “trio”.
Despite making noises that were assumed to be words, and wearing human clothes, in battle the Machines were mediocre.
I am thoroughly confused what this sentence is supposed to tell me. I don’t understand how the machines making noises like words or wearing human clothing has any relation to their effectiveness in battle. But by looking at the original Japanese text, you can kind of tell what the intention of this line was meant to convey.
言葉と思われる音声を発したり、人間の着衣を模倣したりといった特性の割に、戦闘時の行動は平板だった。
It’s basically saying that the fact that these Machines were seemingly speaking language and wearing human clothing–all very interesting things for them to be doing–but their actions in battle were the exact opposite, very boring and bland, not interesting at all. That, I believe, was the intended meaning to get out of this sentence. lol
PAGE 18
Observing that 2B had become tentative, 9S sharply yelled, “2B! They’re just saying random words!” That’s right, Machine sounds have no meaning. 2B beat down the head that had been asking for help. She knocked away the Machines that were approaching from the side. With little resistance, the Machines rolled down the steep surface of the sand dunes. “Besides, asking for help while attacking is a contradiction,” said 9S.
I think it would be better if this whole yellow part was a separate paragraph with another new paragraph starting after it.
Just then, one of the Machines that had rolled down the dune popped up. 2B’s attack had been insufficient to incapacitate it. “I die… Run… Run… Scared,” the Machine said.
The language of the Machines at times does sound quite basic, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it sounds odd. Like the line above, “I die…” sounds really weird. The line in Japanese is:
死ヌ ニゲル ニゲル コワイ
These are all base dictionary form of the words, but Japanese can often be expressed this way–saying one word to encompass an entire sentence. For example, I would have translated the above as something like:
I’m gonna die! Run! Run! I’m scared!
It’s absolutely writer’s choice, but the “I die” line sounds too Shakespearean.
Something also very important to point out here about the Machines is that… they’re just now gaining the ability to speak. So, how does any young child speak when they’re just acquiring language? It’s very broken and mostly comprised of single word sentences. It’s not only that their language is very basic, but that it’s in its infancy, only having just been born. That, I think, is the important thing to take away from their speech.
So this is what it means to “take to your heels,” 2B thought, half-amused.
This is a phrase that is used multiple times, and just the sound of it bothers me. The original Japanese is:
逃げ足が早い (lit. fleeing feet are fast)
…I did not intend for that alliteration… lol
So, again, saying this isn’t necessarily wrong; it’s just not the word/phrase choice that I would have made. I would have said something closer to “they’re quick running away”, implying that while their movements and actions in battle are relatively sluggish, they’re surprisingly speedy as they try to flee for their lives. That sort of thing. This exact phrase is also listed on Weblio as having “winged heels”. Pretty interesting. Also, there are other phrases like “quick to turn tail and flee”, but the meaning is a little different from intended, so I probably wouldn’t go with that, even if it sounds better.
To be continued…